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Hello Reader!

In this issue, I'll be sharing some books and links that I've found useful in my journey through parenting, based on evidence and research. And not on anecdotal bs. I hope that you will find them helpful, even if you are not a parent.

TL;DR

1. Evidence-based parenting is parenting advice that is based on peer-reviewed research and data.
2. Helping a child name their emotions will help in giving them the vocabulary and language to tell you what they are feeling, without the tantrums.
3. Helping a child debrief their day, just before sleep helps them process their memories to integrate the different parts of their brains together.

One of the things I hate most the moment I became a parent was the unsolicited assvice. Assvice?

Yup. Assvice is the advice that comes out of people’s asses. You know, those stinky, unsolicited advice?

These usually come in the form of well-meaning, anecdotal stories that experience which usually does not work. Why won’t it work, you may ask? Because it’s assvice!

My biggest issue with these kinds of anecdotal things is that they cannot tell me WHY I need to do the thing they are telling me to do. If you can’t provide a good reason, why should I do it, right?

For example, why do I have to rub this stinky oil on their head? Why should I be pinching the bridge of their noses to make it higher? Why should I be feeding my NEWBORN with solids? And giving them water?!?!

So, for my own sanity and the need to prove that most of the stuff they tell me is not something that I agree with (and I needed proof that what they say is WRONG), I ended up doing my own reading and researching (because that’s what I do) and I stumbled up this thing called evidence-based parenting. And the logical scientist in me went hellalujah!

So what does that mean? It just means that everything is researched and quantified and there is data, hard data to support it. None of this anecdotal BS. So I read and I delved and I picked what aligned with my values. These usually have a higher success rate for me than all the other assvice (yes, I did try some of those that didn’t seem outrageous).

There are websites, groups, and books on evidence-based parenting to choose from.

Here are 2 of my favourite parenting books based on evidence and research, that helped me the most in the past 6 years since I’ve become a parent, and I’m still learning somethin new every day.

​Brain Rules for Baby by Dr John Medina​

The author, Dr John Medina, is a developmental molecular biologist. This means that he studies the how the cell develops and changes on the molecular (genetic scale). His work was focused on the genes involved in human brain development and the genetics of psychiatric disorders. So the man really knows a lot about the brain.

This book basically talks about how the brain develops from the moment the baby is conceived, up to 5 years old. I first read this book when my eldest was just under a year old. I found it to be interesting, informative and most of all, an easy read.

Of all the different sections in this book, I found 2 parts of the book that really stuck with me:

1. Naming the emotion
2. Nighttime Attachment Parenting (NAP)

Naming the emotion

Kids have a lot of big feelings and because they don’t yet have the vocabulary to explain what is upsetting them or why they are feeling that way, they tend to express it in the form of screaming or tantrums. Heck, I think that a lot of adults don’t have the vocabulary to explain what they are feeling, and that’s why as a generation, we have so many issues expressing ourselves.
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Anyway, we started doing this from the get-go and I would say that we have good, encouraging feedback from their pre-school teachers at every Parent-Teacher Conference (PTC). One year, we had a teacher telling us that our second-born who was then two and a half year old, told her that he was frustrated and he needed some help.

Even we were impressed! But mostly, we are just happy that they can tell us what they are feeling so that we can find a solution to help them process that emotion.

Nighttime Attachment Parenting (NAP)

The edition that I bought was updated to include a section on sleep and that section was very, very helpful in keeping me not lose my sanity to sleep deprivation. When our first child was born, we decided that we will co-sleep. It made more sense for us as we had the space to have the side-car cot next to our bed and I was exclusively breastfeeding. This arrangement worked for us even when we had our second child.

It meant that I was not getting as much sleep as I needed, and at some points, I wondered if it was worth it. That section showed me that there was light at the end of the tunnel. That as my baby grew older, they would drop nighttime feeds and sleep longer. When they sleep longer, mama gets more sleep too!

Also, I did try the Crying It Out (COI) method but my heart just could not take them crying when all they wanted was to be comforted. No judgement from me if you chose/are choosing COI because we do what we can for what works for our own families and life situations.

Overall, I found this book super helpful for me and I know that it comes from a source that I can trust.

I’m going to give this book another re-read just to refresh on some parts of it.

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​The Whole-Brain Child by Dr Daniel J. Seigel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson​

The authors of this book are a neuroscientist, and a parenting expert, so they know what they are talking about. And because one of the authors is a neuroscientist, we learn quite a bit about the brain. A little more in-depth than the Brain Rules for Baby book.

After finishing the audiobook recently, I’m now going through the physical copy of the book so that I can take notes and tag the interesting and useful parts (to me) for future reference. (Yes, I am one of those people who have different formats of the same book, for reasons.)

What I love about this book is that they give you real-life examples, and then break down how the different strategies actually work and why they work. This book also made me realise that even as an adult, I can use the strategies in this book to get a handle on MY own big emotions.

This book showed me that that we’ve been doing something from the book, without knowing the name of it. That is, integrating the implicit and explicit memory. What does this mean?

Implicit memory is a long-term memory that does not require the conscious or explicit recollection of past events or information. For example, navigating around a familiar neighbourhood, or knowing how to ride a bike.

Explicit memory is a long-term memory that you consciously recall and explain the information. An example of this is the steps needed to cook something from memory.

So what happens when you don’t integrate the implicit memory to the explicit memory?

Have you ever had something trigger you with such an intense negative emotion but you don’t know why?

Dr Siegel explains that unprocessed issues or traumatic memories manifest in this way. Dis-integrated memories cause problems if you want to live a healthy, relational life.

How do you integrate the implicit and explicit memories? You talk about them. In my house, we call this debriefing. We ask the kids what did they do today, from the moment we dropped them off at school until just as we get into bed. This way, we get to learn about their activities, and also help them remember and process any negative things that happen to them that day.

Since I’m re-reading the book and taking notes, I created a book notes page that I’ll update as I read through it. You can take a look here for the notes on The Whole-Brain Child.

If you’re a parent, guardian, main caretaker or even a teacher, what are your experiences (if any) with science/evidence-based parenting? Do you have any books or resources that you use?

Let me know in a reply to this email and I'll compile a list of your suggestions.
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Further reading

If you’re interested to know more about evidence-based parenting, here are some selected readings that you might like.

1. ​Parenting Science - a website run by a scientist, about parenting. The site has articles about almost every aspect of parenting, and all backed with peer-reviewed data and research.
2. ​r/ScienceBasedParenting - If you’re a regular on reddit, this sub is really great at sharing resources and asking for advice
3. ​Supporting Strong and Stable Families - If you’re in Singapore and are looking for places where you can get some support with evidence-based/positive parenting, this page on the Ministry of Social and Family Development has useful links to sign up for seminars and classes.

If you think that this edition has been helpful to you, or if you have any feedback, just reply to this email. I read every single one.

Until the next edition, ~ Lina

Sources

‘Evidence-Based Parenting: What Is It?’ 2014. PARENTING SCIENCE. 11 May 2014. https://parentingscience.com/evidence-based-parenting/.

‘Https://Brainrules.Net/John-Medina/’. n.d. Accessed 12 February 2022. https://brainrules.net/john-medina/.

‘Implicit Memory vs. Explicit Memory: How They Work’. n.d. Accessed 20 February 2022. https://www.verywellmind.com/implicit-and-explicit-memory-2795346.

‘Parenting | Ministry of Social and Family Development’. n.d. Accessed 12 February 2022. https://www.msf.gov.sg/policies/Strong-and-Stable-Families/Supporting-Families/Pages/Parenting.aspx.

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